Pandemic Painting

Here’s a few paintings that I’ve done in the renewed COVID lockdown. This is the first time I’ve done acrylic painting on canvas. I’ve worked with tempera paints in the past. I’ve done decoupage off on and on. I’ve always loved mixed media.

Here’s what I’ve been up to…

Affirming my vision

Lately, I’ve seen a great deal of success with using Pinterest as tool for my visioneering. Specifically, I am using Pinterest to construct my vision board. What’s great about this is that it’s totally portable, as long as I have the app on my phone and a good internet connection.

In the spirit of “sharing is caring”, I also started an Affirmations board of my personal affirmations. I will be adding my personal affirmations to this board and Instagram weekly.

I firmly believe we can all rise together, which is why I am committing to elevating others as well as myself. In what ways can we rise together? Put you suggestions in the comments!

JAW DROPPING INSIGHT

It flared up all of the sudden. I opened my mouth to yawn and my jaw seemed like a creaky, old door, the muscles stiff, the joint popping. I iced it all evening and took pain pills. It was possible to still speak, but annoying to do so. I had almost forgotten what TMJ felt like.

Earlier yesterday, and I mean 4:40 AM early, there was an earthquake in nearby Pacoima. I felt it. I jumped out of bed. The day started stressful and somehow, despite my mental stress being allayed, it seemed that stress had landed into my vulnerable jaw.

I’ve had TMJ most of my life. It’s not a new thing. What’s new, though, is my understanding that it flares up during stress. Though yesterday was hectic by any account, I was reminded that mind and body are one. They communicate and interface. My body was telling me that though I had rationalized my stress away (seemingly) it still hadn’t been thoroughly dealt with.

I wake up today with pain that’s less intense. That’s a good thing. Time to slow down, face fears gently and baby that jaw some more. Pain and suffering are not the same thing, though we often connect and interchange them in daily discourse. If we listen to our pain and get curious about it and attentive to it, we can heal ourselves more deeply and thoroughly.

Today, I am thankful for my jaw pain, because pain can be my teacher if I choose this.

Reflections On Quarantine Film Making

Today, I was reminded that art is alive and well. The Hollywood industrial process has been under tremendous pressure. The indie film world, also slowed, is still at work too, even though COVID remains with us. I say this because I’ve been judging the Quarantini Film Festival, a monthly fest founded by Dana Olita that supports and awards filmmakers making socially-distanced short films during this difficult time.

Quarantini Film Festival supports the indie film community during the pandemic with access to online screenings and awards.

I have learned and been reminded of a few things while judging the Quarantini entries:

  1. Art finds a way. I’ve seen some great films submitted to Quarantini Film Festival. Where there’s a will, there is a way, even under un-ideal circumstances.
  2. Sometimes, constraints embolden our creativity. Doing a lot with a little is part-and-parcel of low budget film making, but the constraints indie filmmakers are creating under are unprecedented. I’ve seen amazing creative risks taken on screen in the last three rounds of the Quarantini Film Festival. Some hit and some missed the mark, but when business-as-usual goes out the window, we have to ask what’s possible. I’ve witnessed tremendous creativity under the pressure of the pandemic.
  3. The pandemic has many people committed to speaking their truth, directly or indirectly. I’ve seen heart-wrenching drama shorts, contemplative docu-dramas and wicked comedies that all hit home. All of us have a story to tell that’s part of this larger pandemic narrative.

The truth is many film festivals and the whole culture of film festivals going forward is uncertain. Theatrical exhibition is still difficult and frankly, unobtainable in many areas. Your larger press outlets like Variety, Deadline, The Hollywood reporter, et al, are only really covering the larger festivals that have film markets. That gives sort of skewed picture of the filmmaking landscape in general. Indie filmmaking is alive. Indie films are being shown. It may not be on a large screen, but you can get your work out there on online fests like Quarantini. Seize the moment. You’ll never know what you’ll learn, how you’ll grow or who you’ll impact.

Bullet Journal reboot

Even though we’ve been under quarantine, I’ve been busy. Today, I started to re-build my bullet journal after a pause. For me, the bullet journal is a tool of self-discovery, self-management and self-discipline.

I started bullet journaling last September as a means of achieving more of what I desired, instead of reacting to my industry and its whims. New to bullet journaling, my journal is far from perfect…like me.

My focus today, in prepping my bullet-journal, was “Where am I now?” I’ve changed, the world has changed. My journal needs to reflect those changes.

Things I’ve learned:

  1. Less is more. I used to have an 18 task to-do list. I trimmed it down to five today.
  2. I gave my permission to let go of what was not working. There’s a lot of should-s. There’s a lot of hype of around morning rituals, affirmations, etc. I am not trying to force myself to do something because it’s trendy. I am doing it because it works for me.
  3. No matter what I plan, the best things come when I yield and receive. I didn’t plan on attempting my first feature film this year. It wasn’t in the journal or the plan. Guess, what? 2020 has brought a few surprises. No matter what I plan, I trust that there’s a divine plan that’s working out for me too.
  4. Productivity is not a substitute for happiness. Yes, I can be productive, but I can be productively unhappy. That was the state of so many people prior to the pandemic. It’s time to be happy. I don’t have to pile on the projects, errands, and chores to prove that I deserve happiness.
  5. Habits and habituation are the building blocks of life. I am an unconventional person. I am a night owl. I am nerdilicious. There’s a lot of ways I don’t fit into the traditional “successful adult” paradigm. Yet, I am a successful adult and that’s because of my habits. One of the best things about bullet journaling is that it helps you encourage good habits. I’ve seen tremendous improvement in many areas.
  6. Just because you can carry the load doesn’t mean you should. A never-ending task list is a form of avoidance. The quarantine helped me face what all of those bullets were helping me avoid.

As we re-enter the new normal, I am keeping my journal more responsive. I am not demanding too much of myself. I am trying not to make my plans too elaborate too fast.

Photo by Jess Bailey on Pexels.com

The Moving Image

I’m in the midst of editing “The Central Authority“, which is my first feature collaboration with co-director Armin Nasseri and co-producers, Nasseri, Dana Olita and Matt Chassin. Shooting and editing during the pandemic has been challenging, even as we use existing technologies to make a fully-socially distanced feature film.

Yesterday, Armin and I were in the midst of editing a great scene starring horror queen Genoveva Rossi. Genoveva plays an artist of some renown in “The Central Authority”, sort of a female Bob Ross. We allowed the actors a great deal of freedom in this movie and much of the movie is improvised. Genoveva came up with a profound truth about her character and art itself. She said, as her character Gwen Ross, “Art is about getting a reaction out of people, good or bad.” That was just what I needed to hear yesterday.

I have come to the epiphany that a moving image, a movie, must move. It must move us through time and space, but more importantly, it must move us–emotionally, spiritually, philosophically. That, for me, is really what a moving image, a motion picture, is–something that moves us.

Armin and I continue to work on editing the movie, taking each challenge as it comes, editing virtually now. It cannot be glossed over that as we edit this movie, we are also witnessing the massive social movements against police brutality into account. We are moving as a society and as a consciousness.

I’ll continue to update you on The Central Authority as it moves forward. Thank you for your support of our work and we look forward to releasing “The Central Authority” soon.

Today’s Happy Thought

I want to stress that in unusual times, our usual coping mechanisms may not be enough. I am feeling that now, today. The past two days, I’ve been trying to buoy myself up with my usuals: a heavy workload, music I like, stand-up comedy, yoga and gong baths. Nothing is taking. I awake today, a person who’s experiencing pain and anxiety.

Photo by Lisa Fotios on Pexels.com

When the coping mechanisms fail, it doesn’t mean that you failed. It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. It means that you’re encouraged to grow and try something new. I did not fail because “what usually works” failed to bolster me up. I am challenged to grow, try and experiment today, and that’s what I will do.

when grocery shopping is anxiety-inducing

I need to tell you that I had a breakdown yesterday mid-I afternoon. I still managed to have a good day. That’s my new normal.

I have had to have medical intervention for my anxiety. It’s not just being a “worry wart”. It’s not being a pessimist. For me, anxiety is this fear of being unprepared–that the other shoe is going to drop, that the good won’t last long enough, that I could be blind-sided at any moment.

Photo by Suzy Hazelwood on Pexels.com

In a COVID-19-infected world, my anxiety has gone up, and I self-manage it the best I can.

Here’s what I know:

I never have been germ-phobic. I don’t think my worries about COVID are going to morph into a generalized germ phobia. So that’s win!

I have not always done well in crowds. People not maintaining a social distance is really irking me. That’s one of the things that triggered my breakdown yesterday while getting groceries.

As soon as I feel I’ve taken reasonable measures to protect myself, I feel better. For me, that’s keeping my mask on in public, disinfecting my grocery cart, wiping down my shoes and keys after going out, washing my hands a reasonable amount of times, and drinking hot herbal tea after outings. A feeling of safety and being able to protect myself helps ease the anxiety.

Photo by Lisa Fotios on Pexels.com

No amount of ruminating makes things better. There’s very little I could say or do this moment that would change anything. I can only change how I respond, if I respond at all. Sometimes the best course of action is to do nothing or to do less. It’s hard when you’ve built your identity around being a do-er or achiever. I’ve needed to pivot to how can I be helper, and more particularly, how can I best help myself–first?

If you’re going through this pandemic with anxiety, I feel ya. It’s not easy. It’s hard to have a siege mentality at the grocery store. It’s hard to watch people flout rules and guidelines. Help yourself by taking care of yourself as best you can, first.