Here’s a few paintings that I’ve done in the renewed COVID lockdown. This is the first time I’ve done acrylic painting on canvas. I’ve worked with tempera paints in the past. I’ve done decoupage off on and on. I’ve always loved mixed media.
Lately, I’ve seen a great deal of success with using Pinterest as tool for my visioneering. Specifically, I am using Pinterest to construct my vision board. What’s great about this is that it’s totally portable, as long as I have the app on my phone and a good internet connection.
In the spirit of “sharing is caring”, I also started an Affirmations board of my personal affirmations. I will be adding my personal affirmations to this board and Instagram weekly.
I firmly believe we can all rise together, which is why I am committing to elevating others as well as myself. In what ways can we rise together? Put you suggestions in the comments!
It flared up all of the sudden. I opened my mouth to yawn and my jaw seemed like a creaky, old door, the muscles stiff, the joint popping. I iced it all evening and took pain pills. It was possible to still speak, but annoying to do so. I had almost forgotten what TMJ felt like.
Earlier yesterday, and I mean 4:40 AM early, there was an earthquake in nearby Pacoima. I felt it. I jumped out of bed. The day started stressful and somehow, despite my mental stress being allayed, it seemed that stress had landed into my vulnerable jaw.
I’ve had TMJ most of my life. It’s not a new thing. What’s new, though, is my understanding that it flares up during stress. Though yesterday was hectic by any account, I was reminded that mind and body are one. They communicate and interface. My body was telling me that though I had rationalized my stress away (seemingly) it still hadn’t been thoroughly dealt with.
I wake up today with pain that’s less intense. That’s a good thing. Time to slow down, face fears gently and baby that jaw some more. Pain and suffering are not the same thing, though we often connect and interchange them in daily discourse. If we listen to our pain and get curious about it and attentive to it, we can heal ourselves more deeply and thoroughly.
Today, I am thankful for my jaw pain, because pain can be my teacher if I choose this.
Today, I was reminded that art is alive and well. The Hollywood industrial process has been under tremendous pressure. The indie film world, also slowed, is still at work too, even though COVID remains with us. I say this because I’ve been judging the Quarantini Film Festival, a monthly fest founded by Dana Olita that supports and awards filmmakers making socially-distanced short films during this difficult time.
I have learned and been reminded of a few things while judging the Quarantini entries:
Art finds a way. I’ve seen some great films submitted to Quarantini Film Festival. Where there’s a will, there is a way, even under un-ideal circumstances.
Sometimes, constraints embolden our creativity. Doing a lot with a little is part-and-parcel of low budget film making, but the constraints indie filmmakers are creating under are unprecedented. I’ve seen amazing creative risks taken on screen in the last three rounds of the Quarantini Film Festival. Some hit and some missed the mark, but when business-as-usual goes out the window, we have to ask what’s possible. I’ve witnessed tremendous creativity under the pressure of the pandemic.
The pandemic has many people committed to speaking their truth, directly or indirectly. I’ve seen heart-wrenching drama shorts, contemplative docu-dramas and wicked comedies that all hit home. All of us have a story to tell that’s part of this larger pandemic narrative.
The truth is many film festivals and the whole culture of film festivals going forward is uncertain. Theatrical exhibition is still difficult and frankly, unobtainable in many areas. Your larger press outlets like Variety, Deadline, The Hollywood reporter, et al, are only really covering the larger festivals that have film markets. That gives sort of skewed picture of the filmmaking landscape in general. Indie filmmaking is alive. Indie films are being shown. It may not be on a large screen, but you can get your work out there on online fests like Quarantini. Seize the moment. You’ll never know what you’ll learn, how you’ll grow or who you’ll impact.
Even though we’ve been under quarantine, I’ve been busy. Today, I started to re-build my bullet journal after a pause. For me, the bullet journal is a tool of self-discovery, self-management and self-discipline.
I started bullet journaling last September as a means of achieving more of what I desired, instead of reacting to my industry and its whims. New to bullet journaling, my journal is far from perfect…like me.
My focus today, in prepping my bullet-journal, was “Where am I now?” I’ve changed, the world has changed. My journal needs to reflect those changes.
Things I’ve learned:
Less is more. I used to have an 18 task to-do list. I trimmed it down to five today.
I gave my permission to let go of what was not working. There’s a lot of should-s. There’s a lot of hype of around morning rituals, affirmations, etc. I am not trying to force myself to do something because it’s trendy. I am doing it because it works for me.
No matter what I plan, the best things come when I yield and receive. I didn’t plan on attempting my first feature film this year. It wasn’t in the journal or the plan. Guess, what? 2020 has brought a few surprises. No matter what I plan, I trust that there’s a divine plan that’s working out for me too.
Productivity is not a substitute for happiness. Yes, I can be productive, but I can be productively unhappy. That was the state of so many people prior to the pandemic. It’s time to be happy. I don’t have to pile on the projects, errands, and chores to prove that I deserve happiness.
Habits and habituation are the building blocks of life. I am an unconventional person. I am a night owl. I am nerdilicious. There’s a lot of ways I don’t fit into the traditional “successful adult” paradigm. Yet, I am a successful adult and that’s because of my habits. One of the best things about bullet journaling is that it helps you encourage good habits. I’ve seen tremendous improvement in many areas.
Just because you can carry the load doesn’t mean you should. A never-ending task list is a form of avoidance. The quarantine helped me face what all of those bullets were helping me avoid.
As we re-enter the new normal, I am keeping my journal more responsive. I am not demanding too much of myself. I am trying not to make my plans too elaborate too fast.
I’m in the midst of editing “The Central Authority“, which is my first feature collaboration with co-director Armin Nasseri and co-producers, Nasseri, Dana Olita and Matt Chassin. Shooting and editing during the pandemic has been challenging, even as we use existing technologies to make a fully-socially distanced feature film.
Yesterday, Armin and I were in the midst of editing a great scene starring horror queen Genoveva Rossi. Genoveva plays an artist of some renown in “The Central Authority”, sort of a female Bob Ross. We allowed the actors a great deal of freedom in this movie and much of the movie is improvised. Genoveva came up with a profound truth about her character and art itself. She said, as her character Gwen Ross, “Art is about getting a reaction out of people, good or bad.” That was just what I needed to hear yesterday.
I have come to the epiphany that a moving image, a movie, must move. It must move us through time and space, but more importantly, it must move us–emotionally, spiritually, philosophically. That, for me, is really what a moving image, a motion picture, is–something that moves us.
Armin and I continue to work on editing the movie, taking each challenge as it comes, editing virtually now. It cannot be glossed over that as we edit this movie, we are also witnessing the massive social movements against police brutality into account. We are moving as a society and as a consciousness.
I’ll continue to update you on The Central Authority as it moves forward. Thank you for your support of our work and we look forward to releasing “The Central Authority” soon.
I want to stress that in unusual times, our usual coping mechanisms may not be enough. I am feeling that now, today. The past two days, I’ve been trying to buoy myself up with my usuals: a heavy workload, music I like, stand-up comedy, yoga and gong baths. Nothing is taking. I awake today, a person who’s experiencing pain and anxiety.
When the coping mechanisms fail, it doesn’t mean that you failed. It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. It means that you’re encouraged to grow and try something new. I did not fail because “what usually works” failed to bolster me up. I am challenged to grow, try and experiment today, and that’s what I will do.
I need to tell you that I had a breakdown yesterday mid-I afternoon. I still managed to have a good day. That’s my new normal.
I have had to have medical intervention for my anxiety. It’s not just being a “worry wart”. It’s not being a pessimist. For me, anxiety is this fear of being unprepared–that the other shoe is going to drop, that the good won’t last long enough, that I could be blind-sided at any moment.
In a COVID-19-infected world, my anxiety has gone up, and I self-manage it the best I can.
Here’s what I know:
I never have been germ-phobic. I don’t think my worries about COVID are going to morph into a generalized germ phobia. So that’s win!
I have not always done well in crowds. People not maintaining a social distance is really irking me. That’s one of the things that triggered my breakdown yesterday while getting groceries.
As soon as I feel I’ve taken reasonable measures to protect myself, I feel better. For me, that’s keeping my mask on in public, disinfecting my grocery cart, wiping down my shoes and keys after going out, washing my hands a reasonable amount of times, and drinking hot herbal tea after outings. A feeling of safety and being able to protect myself helps ease the anxiety.
No amount of ruminating makes things better. There’s very little I could say or do this moment that would change anything. I can only change how I respond, if I respond at all. Sometimes the best course of action is to do nothing or to do less. It’s hard when you’ve built your identity around being a do-er or achiever. I’ve needed to pivot to how can I be helper, and more particularly, how can I best help myself–first?
If you’re going through this pandemic with anxiety, I feel ya. It’s not easy. It’s hard to have a siege mentality at the grocery store. It’s hard to watch people flout rules and guidelines. Help yourself by taking care of yourself as best you can, first.
I work from home. I’m used to it. I’ve been busy, even as there’s a great deal of uncertainty in the entertainment industry. Today, I took a breather and set out to the task of cleaning. I cleaned my office and I emptied out my purses, which I hadn’t cleaned out since the lock down began . It was like going though a mini time-capsule.
What was in my purses:
promotional materials for a film festival screening I attended
coin change for parking
assorted colored pencils, highlighters and post-it notes for marking scripts on-the-go when I chose to work at cafes
an extension cord for plugging my lap top into an electrical outlet at a cafe
a movie ticket
Cleaning out my purses hit me hard. As I cleaned, I felt like I had just been through a strange time warp. We don’t know what the future will bring, though we’ve been told there’s a “new normal” coming. What I want to emphasize here is that, yes, all of this made me blue today. However, I quickly pivoted to my gratitude for those experiences and the hope that I can have them again soon when it’s safe to do so.
The film festival promo materials reminded me that I love film festivals and seeing my work on the big screen. I am grateful to all the film festivals that have ever screened my work.
The breath mints were comic. Though we’ll be wearing masks for awhile, the mints reminded me that we need to keep a (minty) fresh perspective. Let’s not get stuck into to many ruts or bad thought grooves at this time.
They stopped enforcing most parking ordinances since the stay-at-home order in Los Angeles, so I haven’t needed to feed a meter. Admittedly, parking Los Angeles has been way easier. I am grateful for the days in Los Angeles when scoring a parking spot was the biggest of my worries. I now know there are far bigger things to have anxiety over. I’ve had to learn how to better manage my anxiety.
I love my home, but sometimes I need to get out of the house to work more efficiently. I get TOO comfortable. I am grateful for all the times I’ve had great coffee and a great work day and even run into old friends. I hope to enjoy this again soon.
The extension cord reminded me of how lucky I am to have basic utilities and that all of my utility services are still going, despite the pandemic. Those working to keep our water, power and sanitation going are essential workers too and we owe them much for their service at this time.
A movie ticket…There’s much discussion right now of how to move the industry forward during the pandemic. Fortunately, I am very diversified. Some are not and it’s been difficult to see how many friends and colleagues are anxious and suffering right now. The movie ticket is my reminder to rebuild. The movie ticket is my reminder to adapt as best I can. There will be no Dark Ages of Entertainment if I can help it.
Instead of yearning for the past, what can we do to bring our appreciation into the future?
I am sick (not literally) and tired (quite literally) of hearing people say that the deaths from COVID-19 are not large enough to justify the stay-at-home orders. I am fed up with people being so blase about the death toll in the US alone, much less the rest of the world.
As of today, April 30,2020, there have been 63,538 deaths in the USA, with roughly 2000 of those deaths occurring today. Globally, there have been 230,804 deaths, with 3,400 of those deaths happening today. Numbers of deaths remain abstractions until we put names to numbers, until we compare. Let me make some comparisons.
In my own life, I identify strongly with three places: my county of origin, Atascosa Co., Texas, the University of Texas at Austin, my alma mater and San Antonio, Texas, the nearest large city that I visited as a child.
As of today, there have been 1,092,328 cases of COVID-19 in the United States. Globally, there have been 3.2 million cases. The city of San Antonio, Texas has a population of 1.5 million people. San Antonio is the 7th largest city in the U.S. This virus has infected the numerical equivalent of a large U.S. city. Is that not enough?
Now let’s take a look at the deaths. Deaths in the United states are at 63,000. My county of origin, Atascosa County, Texas, has a population of roughly 49,000. The University of Texas at Austin, enrolls 50,000 students. It’s the 7th largest public university in the country. Corona deaths have taken out the equivalent of a rural Texas county or a large public university. Is that not enough?
By the way, the cities in my county of origin range in population of 2,000-10,000 people. At the current rate of deaths in the U.S., it’s like one small town is dying off per day. Is that not enough?
I say enough is enough. We think of numbers as mere data, cold, hard and impersonal, but these figures get very personal when you compare them to what and who you know, where you came from and where you are. Let’s stay at home, stay well, stay alive and come out safer and stronger with as many members of our communities alive and kicking as possible.
The “future” is an abstraction we often associate with positivity, progress and something we can shape. The truth is we love the future and often fear it at the same time. I read tarot cards. I do astrology readings, which more often than not are ways of looking into the future or what’s possible. However, I know and need to point out that fear of the future often motivates us more often than we care to admit and acknowledge.
As we look towards a post-quarantine, post pandemic world, there is a lot to consider. Whether we fear future or not is our choice. Resisting the present undermines our ability to shape the future. We need to admit that we’re scared, we’ve been naive or neglectful about certain realities. We need to admit that the world has changed, will not “go back” to where it was and where we were wasn’t all that great either. We have to shape the future with clear eyes, open minds and open hearts.
How do we do that? We need to ask some questions.
Who am I now? Answer this honestly. Own the good and the bad and respect the neutral.
Who do I desire to be?
What changes, adjustments or work do I need to close the gap between who I am and want to be?
What’s the best step I can take, NOW, TODAY, to make those adjustments?
We must also take up these questions as communities, states, and nations. Who we are today shapes who we become. We only ever have the present, no matter how much we speculate about what the future could or should be. It’s time to get deeply present about what our pain points are and what we can do to change them, for the better, in a changed world.
The future is ours, once we fully invest ourselves in the present.