Admitting My Fears

I’d be lying right now if I didn’t admit I was scared.

pexels-photo-3952231.jpeg

Photo by cottonbro on Pexels.com

I am scared everyday.  I am scared by the lack of leadership and coherence.  I am scared by the lack of unity.  I am scared that there’s no vaccine and not enough tests for this virus.  I am scared of the halt to most filming.  I am scared for loved ones who live in states where social distancing isn’t respected.  I am scared when I sneeze or cough, or feel just plain icky.

Once again, it’s time to inventory what I can and cannot control.

  1.  I can lead by example by social distancing and wearing masks and gloves.  I can post about what I am doing to stop the spread of this virus.  I can set a standard for my family to follow and take proper precautions.
  2. I can choose not to add to the din of social media right now.  I can choose not to attack my neighbors, friends and strangers online or offline.  I can choose to add helpful, factual information from credible sources and actionable tips and advice.  An ignorant person has to choose not to remain ignorant. I can instruct the ignorant, but its not my place to scold or punish those who are willfully and dangerously ignorant.
  3. I am not a scientist.  I choose to trust the science and the scientists, doctors and nurses.  When I need expert advice, I take it.
  4. Many of our industries will bounce back after a time.  It may not be on my preferred timeline, and there will be changes, but the film industry is resilient.  I am resilient and I will adapt as best I can to the changes that will inevitably take place.
  5. I cannot choose the actions or inaction of the federal, states or local governments.  I can share what I know to be true with my family.  They can make their choices in accordance with their local laws.  I may not like what other states are or aren’t doing, but I believe in democracy and I believe people DO get the government they DESERVE.  If you believe you deserve better, vote and act differently.
  6. I can keep my risk of contracting COVID-19 down by maintaining social distance, washing my hands, disinfecting surfaces and keeping myself minimally stressed.  A sneeze is not a death sentence.

When we keep facing our fears, we can be more honest with ourselves.  There is no “okay” right now.  It’s okay to be “not okay”.  However, we can’t just let our fears spin around in our monkey minds.  We need to get curious about them, like we would a new, intriguing species or a first date.

I’ve found Therapeer to be a free, valuable resource to discuss your COVID-19 fears with supportive peers.

Join me on Therapeer to receive peer emotional support, and to support others in need. Follow this link to get your own private support room for free https://www.therapeer.app/invite/xupg3

I am still scared, but I am supported in moving through and beyond my fears.

Pluto: An Examination of Conscience

Lately, I’ve been fascinated by how the Christian idea of the devil plays out in astrological terms.  Here’s some thoughts about Pluto and how Pluto manifests as our Western idea of evil or The Devil.

In mythology, Pluto is the king of the dead.  In astrology, Pluto rules that which must be transformed and resurrected. The mythical Pluto is an abductor.  He’s a rapist.  He holds his young niece Persephone captive and makes her a child bride.  Pluto is the taker of innocence.  He entraps Persephone by feeding her pomegranates.  By eating, she doesn’t understand there’s an unspoken contract.  She eats in the land of the dead, therefore, she must stay.  She doesn’t see that Pluto’s gesture of seeming care is a means of binding her to him. Pluto initiates what seems like an eternal winter until Persephone’s mother makes a deal with him and Zeus to get her back, at least part of the time.

“Innocence”–that which is without darkness (Latin: nox).  When Pluto captures Persephone, the darkness settles in.  Barren lands are the dark night of the soul.  There’s no fertility, no life, no joy.  Persephone becomes the queen of the dead.

purple crocus in bloom during daytime

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

She’s powerful.  She has so many subjects, but her kingdom is joyless.  In fact, everyone becomes her subject eventually because everyone dies.

Pluto represents the loss of our naivete, often through shocking, hellish circumstances.  One day we’re fine, picking flowers, closely guarded, as Persephone was.  The next day we’re in situation, perhaps even a “situationship”.  Our innocence cannot be restored.  We’re forever changed by what we’ve seen and heard in the Underworld.  Our quest then is to return to joy, to rediscover what once made us happy, but with more adult eyes.

My Catholic school girl days required regular trips to the confessional, where I had to do an “examination of conscience”, list out my sins and confess them.

A Pluto-themed examination of conscience:

~What is dead in my life?

~Is propping up a “dead” or “dying” situation compassionate or selfish?

~What is rotting that I have not buried?

~What is still torturing me?

~What season is this person, job, project, etc., inhabiting in my life?

~Who am I punishing and why?

~Do I have any unfinished business with dead relatives, friends?

~Do I have someone I’m obsessed with romantically?

~What makes me think I am entitled to be with a particular woman or man?

~How do I manipulate by pretending to care when I really don’t?

~What unspoken agreements have I made with others, with or without their consent?

~What must I cut out to make room for the “new” in my life?

~What “deals with the devil” have I made lately?

~Do I get off on corrupting people or taking them down a peg, especially those who I perceive to be less savvy or experienced than me?

~What are my control issues really hiding?

~Do I get pleasure from overpowering others mentally, physically or emotionally?

~What traps have I laid recently to bind someone or something to me?

~How often do I abuse my power?

~How often do I consider others needs and feelings as I pursue what I want?

~If the person I loved didn’t love me back, would I bless them and release them or would I attempt to further bind them to me?

~In order to be “king” or “queen”, do I beat people down to keep them in their place?

~Do I believe in redemption or punishment?

~What have I hoarded to maintain a sense of closeness?  A sense of control?

~In what areas of my life am I stifling growth or change?

~What secrets am I keeping to maintain control of a situation or person?

~How do I control my fears?

Hell is a very real fear for many people.  There’s many that advocate that hell is not a place, not a chthonic underworld, but a state of mind.

ash background beautiful blaze

Photo by icon0.com on Pexels.com

When you compare the Christian Devil to Pluto, they are similar enough.   Whether or not hell is a destination is debatable, but it’s certainly evident some have a hellish state of mind.

Pluto rules Scorpio-the sign of sex, death, transformation and secrets.  Scorpio rules the liminal time of year before Halloween, a time we confront our deep fears, especially of death.  As humans, many of us make our whole lives about avoiding death, avoiding Pluto, avoiding The Devil.  What if we looked at devilish and Plutonic energies head-on?  How less fearful would we be?  How much needless control would we yield?

Fears Separate Us from Our Prosperity

It’s amazing to me how much we buy based on our insecurity.  We buy creams to “correct” wrinkles.  We buy makeup to hide “flaws”.  We spend money on all sorts of costly cosmetic treatments to beat aging.  We buy into diet program after diet program to keep weight off, instead of dealing with the “why” of the weight.

Copy of body positivity (2)I think all of this buying into what we “should” look like or how we appear is more than vanity.  It belied a great amount of fear and insecurity–fears of over not being seen, fear of being out-of-control, fear of being judged and disrespected.

A few days ago, I was hanging out in a very tony area of Los Angeles, catching lunch between meetings at a casual lunch spot.  Every fear I mentioned above got triggered.  I noticed right when my plus size self walked in, it was like I was immediately out of place.  It was like no one saw me.  This area is high traffic for tourists, but there was no line after the lunch rush.  I sat for at least 10 min before a waiter approached me and then another 15 min just to get the glass of water I had asked for.  No one bothered to refill it.  Meanwhile, the lithe couple that was seated next to me five minutes after I arrived were served with much more attentiveness.  Newsflash:  the svelte woman ordered the same food I did–veggie quiche and a lightly dressed side salad.

It’s hard not to feel out of place sometimes.  I felt completely unseen at this lunch spot.  Normally, this would be the stuff of Yelp reviews, but instead of dumping my anger on Yelp, I wanted to see where that anger was coming from. So here it is:

I fear being unseen as a plus size woman in the world.  I fear having assumptions made about my self-care.  I fear having assumptions made about my personal finances due to my size.  I fear being made to feel out-of-place.  I fear being judged for how I appear to the world.

architecture backlit buildings california

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Though I was angry at how I was treated, I am grateful because I took a moment to understand where that anger was coming from instead of just being another unhappy, indignant customer.

And…that’s why it’s so easy to sell diet culture to the masses.  Most women are plus sized and they’re told they’re “less than”.  We fear being left out so we buy into the useless pills, the cosmetic offerings of the moment, all to push back against that fear of not mattering.  Just for today, take a moment before you whip out your credit card and ask yourself if you’re making a fear-based purchase, especially if it’s in regards to your appearance.  What made your feel that way and why?

Separating women from their hard-earned money (pay gap and all) is a means of controlling women.  Don’t let someone profit from your fear and insecurity.  Walk through world, proud, no matter what…even when tony tourist spots treat you like shit.

Being Bold: Powering Through Fear of Failure

Jenna Wolfe

Former TODAY Show anchor Jenna Wolfe joined us on What Women Want Talk Radio this past week.  Moxie personified, Jenna has had countless adventures both on-air and off.  However, her greatest adventure began when she left the very traditional TODAY show to venture out on her own.  This bold choice continues to test Jenna and she shared with Judy Goss and me her tips for powering through the fear of failure.

Click here for the full interview.